Chapter Twelve – Where You Are

Feeling more frightened than he’d ever felt before, Nate drove slowly down the winding dirt road. At a point where it curved sharply to the right, he stopped the car and got out. He stood for a moment, debating, then wheeled and walked straight ahead. For some reason he couldn’t even explain to himself, it was important to approach David’s cabin quietly on foot. He moved slowly along the sandy path, his eyes constantly searching ahead.

David, meanwhile, was inside preparing his dinner. He’d tried to put thoughts of his father’s journal to one side, choosing to wait until the next day to continue reading it–if he continued to read it at all. But he was drawn back again and again to that singular passage, the one which had, supposedly, been about him.

Jumbled thoughts churned in his mind as he tried to come up with an explanation for his father’s words. Perhaps his dad had been writing a book or a story. Perhaps he had simply been writing about someone else. None of this made any sense, but to David there was also no sense in the idea that his father actually wrote those loving words about him. The passage bore little resemblance to his experience of the man.

Sighing, he lifted his plate and wandered outside, thinking how pleasant it would be to eat his dinner on the porch, watching the beautiful and varied hues that colored the mountains as the sun set in the west. He moved to the porch and set his plate down then wheeled, catching movement out of the corner of his eye.

A figure was approaching the cabin, walking slowly down the path that led from the road. It was a man, lean and dark-haired. David’s heart began to pound before his mind was able to grasp what was happening. Recognition stuck him, staggering him where he stood. “Nate?” he whispered in disbelief. Suddenly he was filled with soaring exultation. He leapt forward, stumbling down the steps, running down the sandy path, running forward to meet him.

“Nate!” he cried as he ran, and saw the man rush toward him. “Nate!” He felt an irrational fear crush his heart. What if this were mere illusion? What if he reached him only to find that he wasn’t really here after all?

They met thirty paces from the cabin and David instantly clutched Nate to his chest, saying his name again and again as if that one precious word were the only thing that could make this moment real. But Nate was solid and warm beneath his hands, his body firm as it pressed against David’s. He was here. It wasn’t a dream. He was here.

Nate’s hands fisted in David’s hair and he dragged David’s lips to his, kissing him with infinite longing…infinite love. They stood that way for many minutes kissing each other in a mindless fog, their hands moving against each other’s bodies, needing the reassurance of solidity–of reality.

“My God,” David whispered haltingly. “My god, I can’t believe it! You’re here!” He buried his face against Nate’s neck unable to bear the thought of releasing him.

“I’m here,” Nate whispered, his arms tight around David’s body, holding him against his own. “Jesus, David,” he said at last, his voice trembling. “Jesus.”

After another long moment held close in each other’s embrace, they loosened their grip just a bit and looked into each other’s eyes, then shared a trembling smile.

“Surprise,” Nate whispered, and David laughed out loud.

“My god, you can say that again,” he murmured, draping his arm around Nate’s shoulders. “C’mon. Come sit down with me before I collapse.”

They moved to the cabin’s porch and sat close together on a cushioned glider. Neither could bear to let the other go and they held each other tightly, renewing and remembering, feeling the bond between them reignite and flame into being.

David’s face broke into a radiant smile as he felt joy spring to life within him, sudden and immediate. Nate’s nearness was overwhelming. David could see nothing else, feel nothing else. The cabin disappeared. Nate’s presence dominated the space around them and David lowered his eyes again, struggling to draw in a breath. Then he shook his head. His hand, as it reached to touch Nate’s arm, was trembling. “I guess the first thing to say is ‘I’m sorry’,” he murmured. “When I ran out that day…”

“No,” Nate interrupted quickly. “There’s no need for ‘I’m sorry’.”

“Yes, there is,” David said firmly, grabbing Nate’s hand. “Not one word that came out of my mouth that day reflected what I really felt. Not one word.”

“We have that in common,” Nate said, lacing his fingers with David’s. “We were both upset and handling it like jerks.”

David shook his head again. “There’s more though, Nate. When you called me a bully? That’s when I lost it. It was–I felt…” He shook his head as if trying to clear it. “It was a kind of emotional breakdown. At least that’s what my therapist thinks. My father…” David said, then stopped, waiting out the unbearable ache in his throat.

Nate reached up to stroke his hair. “Go on,” he murmured encouragingly.

“My father,” he continued finally, his words heavy with sadness, “was a bully. He was a cold and unemotional man who never seemed to think much of me.” He looked up into clear, blue eyes that returned his gaze with love and acceptance. “When you said that word it was like an emotional tsunami. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t cope. I just ran.”

“I understand,” Nate assured him gently, feeling his heart ache at the thought of what this kind, unassuming man had suffered as a little boy. “Davy, I’ve studied psychology, and while I sure don’t claim to be an expert, I could tell that day that something out of the ordinary had happened to you.”

David lowered his head, trying to wait out the feelings that threatened to overwhelm him. He felt Nate’s hand gently stroking his hair and lifted his head to gaze into those extraordinary blue eyes. “Thank you,” he said, his voice halting.

“I’m just sorry I couldn’t do more that day to help…to reach you.”

David shook his head and tightened his fingers around Nate’s. “No one could have reached me that day. But it was the jolt I needed to get me into therapy, and that has helped. It’s helped a lot.”

“Jesus, Davy, I’m so glad.”

“It was losing you,” David said decisively, holding Nate’s hand more tightly. “It was the pain of losing you that forced me to see how much I needed help.”

Nate made a comical face. “Well, I’d rather not have been the one to ram that lesson down your throat.”

“Better you than not having it rammed at all!” David told him his voice catching in a soft laugh.

Nate laughed too and David felt a thrill of happiness cascade through him. “God, I love to hear you laugh,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to Nate’s lips.

“Well, I’ll do it more often if that’s going to be my reward,” Nate told him, grinning. “Hey!” he said suddenly. “You don’t know! I got my doctorate!”

“You got your PhD?,” David repeated in a voice filled with wonder. “God, Nate, I’m so proud of you.” He reached to caress Nate’s cheek, then his eyes widened. “How the hell did you know where to find me?”

“Rachel told me,” Nate said and laughed again at the look of stunned surprise that crossed David’s face.

“And by the way,” Nate continued. “The girls are taking good care of the gardens.”

David leaned back, eyebrows raised, shaking his head in amazement, then he nodded with a soft laugh. “With Rachel as supervisor I assume.”

Nate giggled and leaned in to briefly touch his lips to David’s, and in the next instant David was kissing him back with intense passion, feeling his every nerve ending catch fire as Nate’s soft lips opened eagerly under his. Desire poured through his body in a roaring rush, and he moaned. His arms tightened around Nate as they kissed and Nate’s arms wound around his neck holding him in an iron grip.

They kissed again and again without speaking, hungrily devouring each other’s lips with a passion fueled by long weeks of painful separation, by their broken hearts, and by their longing for this moment when they both might find healing.

“Oh my God,” Nate gasped finally, feeling his body ache and melt with desire. “Dave…Da…” He had barely begun to speak David’s name when his lips were captured again in kiss after hungry, passionate kiss. It seemed to Nate that David could not get enough, that even breathing meant less to him than the taste of Nate’s kisses.

“We’re going to scare the birds,” he whispered against David’s seeking lips.

“Fuck ‘um,” David growled.

They stood and moved together through the cabin and up the stairs to David’s bedroom in a fog of desire. Slowly they undressed each other, taking their time, pausing as each article of clothing was removed in order to caress and kiss newly revealed skin. Finally they moved to the bed and fell onto it, with Nate’s body pinned beneath David’s. “Nate,” he moaned. “Oh God, baby, I’ve missed you so damn much!”

Their bodies molded together as they kissed again and again in all consuming bliss, writhing against each other as their passion grew.

“Dave,” Nate gasped. “Dave…sweetie…wait.”

David felt drugged by the intensity of his desire, but he lifted his head at the sound of Nate’s voice.

Nate laughed softly, his hands moving to cradle David’s face. “Remember that discussion we had about anal sex?” He interspersed each word with soft kisses and his fingers gently stroked David’s unruly hair.

David smiled slowly and bent to return Nate’s kisses. “I do.”

“You think you might be ummm, up to giving it a try?”

David laughed softly against Nate’s neck. “I’m up for just about anything tonight.”

“Well, it will require a short intermission and a walk to my car,” Nate said giggling, “because I left all the necessary…ummm…supplies there.”

David nodded in understanding and leaned back to stand up, holding out his hand to Nate. “Well, let’s go get them,” he said, cheerfully. “How far away is the car?”

“Not far,” Nate said, taking his hand. They walked, stark naked, to the porch and then down the sandy path, laughing like loons at their risqué appearance.

“Does anyone live close enough to spot us?” Nate asked as they walked to the rental car.

“What?” David asked. He’d been completely enthralled by the sight of Nate’s soft, pale body glowing in the evening light and hadn’t heard a word he’d said.

Nate repeated his question and David shook his head. “No one around for miles,” he replied.

They grabbed Nate’s luggage and carried it back to the cabin, then quickly returned to the upstairs bedroom.

David lay down on the bed, watching with eager anticipation as Nate opened his suitcase and removed several objects.

He turned back to David. “We have to use a condom.”

David nodded.

“I’d rather not,” Nate said, but there’s still an outside chance that…” he stopped, his beautiful face suddenly twisted with bitterness.

“Nate, baby, it’s OK. I understand. You’re here. That’s all that matters.”

Nate smiled and walked closer to the bed, carrying the items he’d removed from his suitcase. “You sure that’s all you care about?” he asked coyly, noting the hardness of David’s erection

“Get over here,” David growled, more inflamed than ever by the sight of Nate’s soft-hued, naked body, “before I come and get you.”

Nate moved to lie beside him. “I brought the heated kind,” he teased, reaching to caress David’s chest.

David made no response. His arms caught Nate close while his lips and tongue found that pale, beautiful throat, caressing the smooth skin with tongue, feeling desire flame within himself as the taste of Nate’s skin drove him wild with need. “Nate,” he moaned. “Oh God, Nate,” His fingers moved to caress Nate’s body, overwhelmed with the force of his longing to taste…to touch…to reclaim the man he loved.

Nate groaned, his body thrashing restlessly as his desire grew. Each touch of David’s fingers spread fire through his body, leaving every nerve ending alive and aching with need. They moved as one to grasp the lubricant, but David quickly took it from Nate’s hand and smeared it liberally over each of them. “I’ve been studying,” he whispered.

Nate laughed softly and slowly turned onto his stomach. “Well, I’ll grade your performance later on.”

Stumbling a bit, and a little unsure if he was doing it correctly, David tried to prepare Nate for their lovemaking. Nate gently encouraged him, gasping as David’s fingers slowly entered his body. “That’s it,” he breathed. “God, Davey, yes…that’s exactly right. Ohhh God, so good.” And then finally:  “That’s enough, baby. That’s good. Do it now…please!”

David slipped the condom over his arousal, barely able to control his trembling hands, and shakily applied more oil. Then, trying to move carefully, he pressed his erection against the opening to his lover’s body and slowly entered him. He was immediately overwhelmed by sensation as Nate’s body closed tightly around him. Gasping and whimpering, he fought not to climax too soon as he carefully sheathed himself and began a slow, deep thrust.

“God!” Nate gasped, his fingers gripping the pillow beneath his head. “Oh!” Eyes closed, he was lost in an equal mixture of pain and unbelievable pleasure. He gasped again as David began to thrust harder. “God, baby…easy…easy. Dave…baby…go slow.”

Nate’s words seeped into David’s consciousness through a blood-red haze of desire. He drew in a deep breath and forced himself to slow his movements when he realized that he was causing Nate pain. Trembling with the effort he settled into a slow, steady rhythm, withdrawing then thrusting again, entering and re-entering Nate’s body. He felt the slender frame beneath him begin to relax. “Jesus,” he moaned, feeling his heart pounding madly in his chest. “Jesus, Nate…” He gasped his name again and again, drowning in rapture, lost in a feeling of unity that surpassed anything he had ever known.

Moving slightly faster, he heard Nate cry out again and knew instantly that his cries denoted pleasure, not pain. Nate rose to his knees, pushing back against David’s thrusts as they grew harder, more forceful, driven by an all-consuming yearning. Desperately David reached beneath Nate to grasp the throbbing hardness of his lover’s erection. Their bodies moved in a desperate rhythm, and for a few moments they thrashed together wildly, straining to find release.

David’s climax hit him with a sudden, intense force. Nearly sobbing in ecstasy, he lost himself completely to the huge bursts of pleasure that wracked his body. “Oh God,” he moaned. “Oh Nate, Nate, I love you so much!”

He felt Nate spasm, crying out David’s name in a strangled voice as he spilled himself over David’s fist, collapsing onto the mattress with David on top of him.

For a long time the room was silent except for their soft, whimpering moans of completion and erratic breathing. They lay molded together without moving, hearts pounding, deeply reluctant to separate. Finally David drew in a long breath. “My god, Nate,” he whispered then inhaled in another long, shuddering sigh.

“My God yourself,” Nate panted into the pillow. “You say you’re a novice at this?”

David laughed softly and slowly withdrew, leaning on his hands, feeling a sudden sense of sadness as he slipped from Nate’s body. “That was wonderful,” he breathed as Nate turned to his back, and he quickly gathered him close in his arms.

Nate gave a soft, contented moan of agreement and snuggled close, his head resting on David’s chest. “Am I dreaming?” he asked sleepily, “or did I hear you say ‘I love you’ just now?”

David chuckled and kissed the top of his head. “You know damn well you weren’t dreaming. I do love you. I think I always have.”

Nate lifted his head and gazed into his lover’s hazel eyes. “I love you too, David,” he said quietly. “The biggest regret I had after you left was that I hadn’t told you that when you were with me. I promised myself that I’d never let it happen again. So there it is. I love you.”

David captured the back of Nate’s neck and drew him down into a soft, lingering kiss. Then he became aware of the damp sheets beneath them and grimaced. “Uh, should we, maybe…”

Nate laughed and clambered from the bed. “Yeah. A shower might not be a bad idea.”

David grinned at him. “Thanks, teach. It’s right around there,” he pointed. “While you’re in there I’ll do something with this bed.”

Nate followed David’s pointing finger and found the small bathroom just outside the bedroom door. “I should suggest that you join me,” he called out as he turned the water on.

“Next time!” David called after ridding himself of the used condom. He rummaged in the cupboard for a clean bottom sheet. “I’m gonna need to buy more sheets,” he muttered as he dragged out a piece of clean linen.

“What’s that?” Nate asked over the sound of the shower running.

“Nothing,” David called in response, giggling as he changed the bed.

He stood beside it afterward staring down at it as though he’d never seen it before. He could not ever remember having known passion and pleasure that could compare with what he had experienced this night. He shook his head in wonder. The fact of Nate’s presence alone was enough to leave him dizzy with happiness, but tonight was light-years beyond anything he had even suspected was possible. He had no yardstick with which to compare the intensity of the love they had just made together. If someone had told him such ecstasy was possible, he would have written them off as a hopeless romantic with no notion of what real life was all about.

But this was real life. And, further, this was his life. And Nate was with him. He had no idea what their future would bring. He didn’t know Nate’s plans yet, or his goals. But the reality of his presence here was all the promise David needed that the future was going to be bright and beautiful. Maybe that was wishful thinking. They still hadn’t known each other for very long, and this was just one night.

But something within David was whispering that the future was happening right now and that he was safe to trust it. This was a voice that David had never heard before. This was the soft and authentic voice of love. And he believed it.

He heard a soft noise behind him and turned to see Nate standing with a towel wrapped around his hips, his pale, perfect body glistening with water drops, looking like every dream of love David had ever known. And, smiling, he moved to greet him.


They shared breakfast the next morning on the cabin’s porch. Nate wolfed down bacon and eggs, commenting constantly about the beauty of their surroundings. David agreed with him, but thought to himself as he gazed at Nate in wonder that those surroundings, lovely though they might be, were merely a framework for the beauty of the man who sat at his side.

“What are your plans?” David asked as they sipped their morning coffee.

Nate reached across the small table and took David’s hand. “First off, I want to tell you that I turned down the feature.”

“Nate!” David cried in alarm. “No! I didn’t want you to do that!”

Nate laughed and waved dismissively. “Oh, stop it. You damn well did want me to do that, and furthermore I wanted to do it.”

David shot him a dubious look. “Well,” he drawled, his southern accent caressing the word, “I suppose you’re right that I would have preferred that you not take on that kind of burden. And,” he added, smiling. “I am glad you’re not doing it.”

“Actually,” Nate told him, “I’m thinking about looking for a teaching job. Been scouting out some LA colleges and universities. Just getting the lay of the land…seeing what’s available.” His handsome face registered disgust. “I’m so damn sick of the pace in the movie industry. It’s just never-ending. I want a slower life.”

David restrained himself from blurting out the thought that leapt immediately to mind. Get a job out here! Time enough to make that kind of suggestion once Nate had gotten a look at the place. It was enough for now that he was here.

“So tell me what you do all day,” Nate said, dusting toast crumbs from his fingers.

“Well,” David said, then indicated the surrounding landscape with a wave of his hand. “I do a lot of walking. There’s a ton of trails that run all over this side of the mountain. There’s even a small lake just down that trail. Really pretty. I read…” he shrugged, “I think…” He laughed, “Probably do more of that than is good for me.”

“Show me around,” Nate suggested eagerly. “I’d love to walk some of these trails. See the lake maybe?”

“Really?” David said with delight. “I’d love to show you.” He sat silently for a long moment looking at Nate.

“What!” Nate demanded at last, laughing.

“I was just thinking,” David said softly, reaching to take his hand, “that I’ve thought so many times that this place would be a thousand–a million–times more beautiful and healing if you were here by my side. And now you are, and I can hardly believe it.”

“Well, believe it,” Nate said, rising. “I think I’ve got some better walking shoes in the trunk of my rental car.”

“You should pull it up here by the cabin,” David suggested.

Nate moved his car and parked it next to David’s while David prepared some supplies that they could take with them. Then they changed for their walk. They were gone the better part of the afternoon, exploring the nearby trails, and finally wandering down to the small lake that decorated the valley floor. David had prepared a picnic lunch and they sat on rocks near the lake eating it, drinking the wine they’d carried with them, passing the bottle back and forth since they’d forgotten to bring glasses.

It was a hot Virginia afternoon, and the pines above them danced on a gentle breeze, casting their moving reflections onto the glass-smooth waters. When David and Nate were done eating, they stripped off their clothes and dashed into the clear, mountain lake, yelping as its still-icy waters closed around them.

After splashing around for quite some time they returned to shore, drying quickly in the heat of the sun. David reached into his backpack and pulled out a small blanket. Once it was spread he and Nate stretched out upon it, Nate’s head resting on David’s shoulder. They breathed deeply, taking in the clear mountain air and the comforting scent of each other’s bodies.

David leaned up on his elbow, Nate’s head falling to the crook of his arm. He bent toward him, allowing his tongue to softly stroke Nate’s lower lip before gently entering his mouth to touch their tongues together in a damp caress. They kissed tenderly, tongues stroking, seeking, caressing, feeling the ache of desire flood through their bodies, slowly consuming them.

“Making love on a blanket, naked under the sun, huh?” Nate whispered, “Never done that before.”

David smiled down on him. “Hey, there’s a first time for everything.”

They spent the next hour and a half lost in the rapture of their union, feeling the love that bound them together growing deeper, more intense, more unbreakable.
For a very long time afterward they simply lay on the blanket holding each other as eventually their breathing and heartbeats returned to normal. Nate’s head was cradled on David’s chest and as he breathed in David’s scent, his fingers moved aimlessly in the soft mat of his chest hair. “Mmmmm,” he sighed. “You feel so good.” His voice was sleepy and David smiled.

“Unless you tell me otherwise, I’m going to assume that you’ve forgiven me,” he murmured softly, bending to kiss Nate’s hair.

“Well,” Nate drawled, nestled against David’s chest. “I’m usually not a fan of assumptions, but in this one instance…feel free.” He lifted his head toward David and drew him close for a slow, lingering kiss.

“What took us so long?” David mused suddenly. “I mean, it’s pretty clear that we both wanted this. Why were we resisting?”

“I wasn’t resisting,” Nate reminded him, laughing. “Or don’t you remember the seven thousand text messages and voice mails.”

David nodded with a remorseful shake of his head. “I remember, babe.” He paused, pondering what his motives were during that dark time in his life, then he shrugged. “It felt to me as though I showed more love for you by staying away. At least that’s how it felt back then.”

“I hope you know that’s bullshit, David,” Nate told him, softening the words with a gentle caress of his cheek. “And if you didn’t know it then, know it now. No movie could ever mean more to me than you do. I know we’d only been together for a little while but I honestly didn’t think my intentions were that unclear.” He laughed and gently ruffled David’s hair.

David grimaced comically. “They weren’t,” he said ruefully then looked at Nate. “Was Lance mad when you turned down the feature?”

“Lance is the one who sent me here,” Nate told him emphatically. “He nearly skinned me alive when he found out that I was wimping around with my broken heart feeling totally sorry for my pathetic self because we’d split up. He damn near threw me onto a plane to Virginia.”

“Then I owe him, big-time.”

Nate shrugged. “He was a little pissed when I turned the feature down,” he said in answer to David’s previous question. “But not all that much.” He looked into David’s eyes and smiled. “We both owe him.”

“I know it was a big opportunity for you.” His mouth screwed itself into grimace of remorse.

Nate laughed. He eased himself up and sat cross-legged on the blanket, then poked David’s ribs. “Stop that!” He teased comically. “Yeah, it was and I’m glad I turned the damn thing down, David. I really am.”

“You sure about that?”

“Absolutely sure. If I’d taken it, I’d have spent the next two years in a kind of frozen hell. It takes that long to even get through pre-production! And then you have to shoot the damn thing! Plus, the director on the project was a well-known pain in the ass. That’s half the reason Lance didn’t want it. No. I’m glad I said ‘no’.”

David nodded.

“So,” Nate continued, “if you’re harboring feelings of guilt, you can lay them to rest. If what happened between us DID urge me to refuse it, it was actually doing me a favor.”

“Weird,” David commented, “how people on the outside see that kind of job as so glamorous and desirable.”

Nate scoffed gently. “Well, they’re wrong. Frankly, I’m sick to death of that whole damned circus.”

David snickered and nudged him. “Tired of hanging out with all those big Hollywood stars?”

Nate snorted. “Right,” he said sarcastically. “Let me tell you about actors. For the most part they’re the most self-involved humans alive. They have to be! Can you imagine being part of a profession where you’re constantly–and I do mean constantly–being judged and rejected and criticized? Where every little fault or flaw you possess is examined under a magnifying glass and thrown in your face damn near every day? ‘You’re too short,” Nate said in a comic high-pitched whine, shaking a derogatory finger at an imaginary actor. “You’re too tall! Too fat! Too old! Too young! Can’t use you! Wrong type! Your overbite makes you look like a monkey!” He rolled his eyes while David shook with laughter.

“I’ve met some nice ones,” Nate continued. “Met Tom Hanks once and he’s an wonderful man. But guys like him are the exception.”

“Met Hanks, huh,” David teased, leaning forward to kiss him. “Lucky you.”

Nate gave him a gentle, comic shove. “It’s not like I spent a lot of time rubbing elbows with ‘A’ list actors and believe me, none of the directors I worked with bore any resemblance to John Ford,” he hesitated, “though Lance is pretty damned good.”

David laughed again, then nudged Nate’s arm. “By the way,” he said. “I want to read your dissertation.”

“You’re kidding!”

“Like hell I am!”

“You actually want to read: The maligned medium: Documentaries in contemporary cinema?

“I absolutely do.”

“Man!” Nate said in open-mouthed, and completely faked amazement. “You really do love me! Well, fine. Long as you promise not to grade it.”

“Done!” David promised, laughing again. He glanced around and noticed that the afternoon shadows were lengthening around them. It had been a glorious afternoon and he hated for it to end. “We should probably head back now, baby,” he said with a sigh of regret.

“I never want to leave this spot,” Nate said contentedly. “It’s been a fantastic day. But I suppose we should head home. It’s getting late.”

They dressed slowly and returned to the cabin arriving just as the late afternoon shadows were beginning to lengthen into evening. David fixed dinner while Nate explored the cabin and the surrounding area, returning after a few minutes with a handful of raspberries he’d found growing nearby which he happily shared with David.

They ate dinner on the porch, then sat close together in the glider, rocking gently, breathing in the sweetly-scented mountain air, David’s arm tight around Nate’s shoulder. “My God,” Nate breathed softly. “This is heaven.

“It’s where you are,” David told him with a gentle kiss. “And for me, heaven will always be where you are.”

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